If I’m being honest the overwhelming “ how’d I get into this” started a few days before leaving for That Famous Preston Night Rodeo… In a slight daze I tried to get my brain to wrap around any idea of what the heck I should make sure I had in my trailer … any conscious thoughts couldn’t be formed .. no fears , no plans of attack, nothing but a daze … my sweet husband washedthe trailer, filled the generator and water tanks, my ride or dies came up and worked horses and loaded cubes with me ..
the full understanding of the weekend is still straining through my brain like a colander… from the moment we checked in at the rodeo office and couldn’t have but only the number one in the world run right before, to having the most winning cowgirl running after, to telling my horse how brave he was as I sent him down the ally, packing up with the two little girls and two pups to haul out of Idaho leaving all my friends and partner to go through the motions of getting onto the next … the daze set in while we drove and I unconsciously got us to our performance with another clean run … a weekend running with the pros and honestly
I GOT MY ASS WHOOPED …. I can’t picture getting to first barrel, let alone how I rode to get us cleanly around all 3 barrels … I’m certain the announcers paused at both rodeos wondering if the timers were right when they said “19….” like they never knew anyone could be THAT out of the competition…. ASS WHOOPED …
And over the next 2 weeks I have 8 more pro runs .. honestly I felt like the embarrassing little sister that your mom makes you bring to the party but you are just embarrassed for her the whole time cause she just makes a fool of herself …
But here is what I did get ….
I DID IT … sigh .. I showed myself that , hell, I can run that horse down any ally … what comes in our pattern has yet to be polished but … I don’t have to back down … I won’t pass out from nerves , my horse will handle anything I throw at him and the feeling WILL come back in my hands once my heart rate slows back down …
I learned how amazing and deep my family and friends love for me was through their excitement, encouragement, and not a single one cared what my time was … do you think my 8 year old knew the difference if I had won or lost … she came out knowing that her mom just confronted a fear and came out the other side proud and full of gratitude.. that fear didn’t win.. our friends daughter came out and saw that world champion or first performance newbie we can all be parked next to each other and connect over our love of horses and Christ , that she , as a teenage girl can still dream in this modern world and take the reins and go for it … my friends are amazing , and bold , and supportive .. my husband, and I quote( as I’m about to cry or possibly pee my pants walking back to the trailer to tack up) “well … go out there and hang with them baby girl”
I’ve been praying and wondering lately.. what is it all for ? God, why do we as humans have passions, emotions, connections … why are some connections deep , some never take hold .. what is it all for ? In a world such as this where everyone’s “what for” is so varied and opinionated, I find comfort in God, Christ, and those who I can ever serve and grow closer to … so as I soak away the weekend .. and prepare for another .. I can’t help but to think … did I not win? Is my time yet to come and my path unwinding as I continue to desire to grow ever closer to God , to love those I can’t live with out deeper and fuller , and take the unknown one step at a time …. I am not looking for a consultation prize, I didn’t actually DO good in my sport … but I stepped up .. and you’ll never play ball if you don’t have the balls to get there .. this whole ride with my horse is taken day by day … he broke his leg , as a 15 year old horse with a long career why is he back and strong as ever ? I broke my neck and nobody really knows how my body healed it …. my amazing friend planned the rodeo schedule and can no longer make it … so it’s 2 cripples .. living on hope and leaning on Christ .. some might call it stupid , some might laugh, but the experience as a whole … I don’t feel like a single lesson was lost. At this time of life .. where it’s easier to NOT push yourself and NOT question and not push for growth .. because who is gonna care .. really … we can just live through social media, let the cloud of fear dull our dreams.. integrity, connection, desire, hard work, goals, dreams, knowledge, creativity .. it’s all being thrown to the side … so why do it ? It’s in my quest for God and Christ, for loving those I’m close to deeper that I am learning to follow the challenge and face the fear .. I wouldn’t give up what I learned about my friends and about my perseverance this weekend for the win… so for now .. I’ll take it one crazy day at a time, trust the process, feel the emotions and continue to try .. try to run cleaner, love deeper and connect more .. that’s my why